When Do You Let Go

This week I realized I’m a very dysfunctional relationship. The ups and downs are taking a toll on me. First, everything is great. I am fulfilled, feeling satisfied, and doing what I love. Inevitably, all hell breaks loose. Then I begin to feel alone, adrift, and overwhelmed. But when I start to weigh my options, suddenly things don’t seem so bad. Everyone has to put up with some level of dysfunction, right? Then, like clockwork, something awful happens, and I am left trying to juggle and carry everything, hoping things get better soon. They do, and the cycle starts all over.

This cycle is unhealthy. This relationship is hurting me.

Maybe I should quit my job.

I’ve spent the last four days trying to decide the correct choice. I’ve been talking to everyone I trust, including my therapist. And I still do not have an answer.

There is very little upward mobility in my office. The pay is minuscule. The leadership leaves something to be desired, and the lack of stability in staffing always leaves me taking on more work that one person can handle. These days, I leave work irritated—and sometimes angry—on a daily basis.

There are some positives.

I like my job…when I’m actually doing my job. It’s close to my home, which is great because I hate long commutes. It’s flexible. I have a three-year-old and my husband’s job is not one that can accommodate the million little things that go wrong with small children. And the flexibility, theoretically, allows me to pursue other ventures like side hustles and working with non-profits. I am making a difference–though change is painfully, glacially slow. I have a vision and upper management is just now starting to see it. Losing that momentum would be terrible for the institution’s community. I have great state benefits and a ton of leave. Then there’s the glaringly obvious fact. Any job  that is above my level, AND pays me what I’m worth will allow far less student contact and that doesn’t suit me.

With all those overwhelmingly fun points, I still feel unappreciated and overused. Even my hair is disgusted and beginning to turn on me.

Maybe I should quit my job. Or maybe it will get better in a month or two.

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