Once upon a time, I did not read romance novels. Honestly, I’ve always loved the concept of romance and seeing it play out in movies, but after browsing the romances on my grandmother’s shelves, I decided that the genre was not for me. So I read fiction with a heavy lean toward romance. For those of you who do not know the difference, the Happily Ever After (HEA) ending is NOT guaranteed. The “problem” with that genre was that the couples did not always get together. Sometimes they broke up for good, or someone died. I remember crying for days when my favorite male character died in a book. Eric Jerome Dickey taught me two things. One, sensuality will always be hotter than straight fucking, and two, a well-placed character death can break your heart for years. To be honest, Friends and Lovers was probably the novel that nudged me toward the romance genre because two people who are that perfect for one another deserve to be together.
Rest in Power, Eric Jerome Dickey.
My first dive into romance was through the paranormal romance realm. The books were full of action and all the fanciful elements I loved, but weren’t overly focused on love and sappy dialogue. It’s hard to be hyper-focused on a guy when the world is about to end every other month. Then I needed more. I wanted a little less drama and more sap, more sweetness, more happily ever after instead of happy-until-the-next-crisis. At the time, I felt like I needed to see people win because my own life had what felt like insurmountable drama, and romance novels fulfilled that need for me.
The romance genre is significant and important. I’m sick of people calling it a dirty secret. My husband reads about crime bosses and true crime, and he unabashedly shares all the twisted and gory details with people who don’t even ask. I am also fed TF up with people (men) saying reading romance leads to unrealistic expectations. For one, 99% of romance readers aren’t walking around hoping to fall in love with their billionaire boss. Most of them don’t even have access to the billionaires they work for. And the ones who do would rather kick their boss than kiss them. More than any of that, please understand that for centuries, most women were taught to expect nothing but chump change, headaches, and a few pumps from men. Both genders could stand to step up their expectations and game when it comes to relationships.
Romance novels gift us with very distinct lessons that are actually quite important for life.
You’ll know when you are ready
There is this thing that happens when we are ready for the next phase of our lives. I describe it as my skin not fitting. It’s like a reptile. When they outgrow their skin, they shed it. And the few days or weeks leading up to the shed can be a little dramatic, and frankly, a little scary for a first-time reptile parent. They reduce or stop eating. They sleep more and are listless. Our beloved gecko wouldn’t even sit on his basking tree. He’d hide under the hollowed rock for days. Sound familiar? In the spiritual realm, we call it the hermit season, after The Hermit card in tarot. Basically, you get so uncomfortable in every aspect of your life that you have no choice but to surrender to the change or remain distraught forever.
In one of my favorite books by Christina C Jones, The Lies We Tell About Life, Love, and Everything in Between, the female main character (FMC) is finally forced to confront her mental health when she realizes that everything in her life is perfect, but she still wants to crawl into bed and never wake up. Before then, she blamed her melancholy on the bills, her child’s absentee father, being a single mother, her relationship status, and everything but her brain chemistry. One day, she woke up next to the man she loved and realized she’d been attributing her crying jags and blue periods to everything but her mental health, and she couldn’t live with mental and emotional anguish anymore.
In Nisha Sharma’s Dating Dr. Dil, the male main character (MMC) is forced to confront his concept of love, family, marriage, and relationships when he realizes he hurt the FMC by downplaying his feelings for her, and he nearly loses her and funding for his clinic in the process. And the poor FMC’s whole family structure is falling apart around her, forcing her to examine how she interacts with the people she loves most and whether she’s getting the love she deserves.
You will know you are ready when you view things falling apart as a sign that yes, you do need a change, and yes, maybe the dismantling of that situation in your life is what’s best for you. Embrace the Ah Ha moments.
Stop resisting change
Think about a character’s mindset at the beginning of the book. They are set in their ways. They ruminate on the things that feed their actions or trigger them ad nauseam. They fight against their own self-interest. Then something happens that forces change. They lose the girl or guy, they take the job of their dreams, and they do something that they believed would be the key to everlasting bliss, only to find that they desperately need to be more introspective.
In Kimberly Brown’s The Perfection of a Moment, the FMC finally acknowledges that she wants to pivot in her career, but she is hesitant because she’s afraid to lose the control she has over her environment. In the Hidden Legacy series, The Artisan (MMC) is confronted with the fact that his quest for revenge has damaged other, more important, aspects of his life.
The shift in perspective will move from victimhood (bad things keep happening to me), to curiosity (what if this isn’t so bad), to acceptance (okay, what’s next).
The side lesson is that it is best to view life through the lens of curiosity. It opens your eyes to possibilities and is a lot more productive than pessimism or helplessness.
All things work in tandem in your favor
It is so easy to scream, “What is wrong with you?” at books and screens. And if you are anything like me, you yell it at yourself as well. Characters miss the signs even after they’ve asked for a sign. They complain about an opportunity or an ending that is in their best interest. They bemoan a little friction that is actually character development. We all do. It’s frustrating when it happens on the page or on the screen, and you just want the character to get it together.
The FMC in Yulin Kuang’s How to End a Love Story was someone who needed a bear hug, a good shake, and my therapist’s contact information. A tragedy occurred, and she became imprisoned in her grief for thirteen years, largely because she couldn’t find an explanation for why the accident happened in a way that satisfied her guilt. So, the universe answered her unspoken prayers by shoving the guy who caused the accident back into her life. And she, understandably, reacted badly.
Listen, I am not saying that life does not hurt. I am saying that I am woo enough to believe that things happen in tandem to create as much good as possible, given the circumstances. The lesson in romance novels is that life remains fluid when we objectively examine how the pieces are aligning and move accordingly.
Which is a perfect segue into the next lesson.
Grow or wither
Grow or wither is a lot less dramatic than saying change or die, but it’s the same concept. These characters, like all of us, are presented with a golden opportunity to shake up their lives. All they need to do is say yes and lean in. The truth is that it is never easy. It’s not. We fight change every step of the way. Our brains are designed to resist change. In fact, the human brain is much like any other animal’s in that it is designed to keep the individual safe and alive, not to keep them happy and thriving. We often have to actively condition our brains to accept “happy and thriving” as a set point. You see that in novels all the time. And a significant subgenre of self-help is geared toward increasing an individual’s tolerance for joy. Setpoints are most obvious in billionaire and sports romances. One character is happy but barely surviving, while the other is thriving financially and in other aspects, but their lives are often devoid of joy and fun. Their setpoints are imbalanced.
My favorite example of evolve or die, or the gentler grow or wither, is the Jane Yellowrock series by Faith Hunter. I love Jane. I really do. But every single book forced her to level up in ways she often wasn’t ready for. She called it flying by the seat of her pants. And while she made a lot of mistakes, she usually got the job done. In fact, she was usually the only one who could, given the circumstances. Had she chosen to whimper in a corner or simply stay home when she was called to duty, plenty of people would have died, vampires would have ruled, and magic would have run amok. The thing is, Jane is the perfect example because, after years of being a willing hero, she ended up becoming a very reluctant queen. The fact that she didn’t want the job made her the perfect ruler.
The lesson isn’t just grow or wither. The crux of the lesson is recognizing that growth is accompanied by uncertainty and a gap in skill set. It’s imperative to understand that even when we are actively choosing to evolve, we are often unprepared, uncomfortable, disinterested, or fearful of the full extent of what we are meant to do. Recognize that those feelings are normal and do it anyway.
Love is more powerful than pain
Pain is a bitch. It doesn’t matter what kind of pain it is. Your brain and body register it as endless hell, all the same. It could be grief, or physical pain from something as small as stepping on Legos or as major as surgery. To your system, it’s all one big jarring, sharp spike of disruption. Love can often buffer that spike; smooth it out so it causes less damage. As a woman who has given birth, I can tell you that the love I had for my child helped me endure the pain of pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. Love pulls most of us through loss and grief.
In Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros, love for her dragon, her man, and her friend is the motivation that propels the FMC to push through unimaginable agony to try to defeat the enemy. A similar thing happens in K.F. Breene’s Leveling Up series. Vi Keeland wrote a beautiful story of love conquering all in Sex, Not Love. Her character had to change his entire outlook on love, marriage, illness, caretaking, and sacrifice in order to heal his grief and get his woman. In real life, this can look like choosing to date and trust again after a painful breakup or divorce.
One thing I have grown to realize is that love is not the enemy. “The Wedding Planner” is one of my favorite rom-coms, but for years, I could not understand what Mossimo meant when he said, “Love is just love.” In general, the phrase made sense, and I understood what he meant when he told Mary that she put love on a pedestal, but the deeper message of that statement was lost on me. At nearly forty years old, I get it now. We blame love for everything–good, bad, or indifferent. Love is a feeling, an action, and an energy. The problems arise with how people express their love and to whom they express it.
Maybe, instead of seeking compatibility with a person, we should look for compatibility in the way they love. I don’t just mean love languages. While they are certainly valid and useful, the topic is still contentious to some, and relationships are more complex than that. What I mean is, well… I am mature enough to admit that Tamlin and Rhys (from the ACOTAR series) are two sides of the same coin, but while Tamlin’s love was possessive and suffocating, Rhys’s love was encouraging and buoyed Feyre as she grew into her potential (once he stops being a creepster). Find the person who loves in a way that matches how you love, and who gives to you as much as you give to them. Don’t look for someone exclusively because they understand your trauma or you have sexual compatibility.
Side note: I am not a fan of the subtrope that pairs a 19-year-old with a 500-year-old. Besides, I’m team Az, and he better not end up with Elain.
Reciprocity is the key to all beautiful relationships
I think the thing that draws people to contemporary romance the most is reciprocity. It is often missing in real-life relationships. Reciprocity isn’t 50/50. If you have ever experienced a long-term relationship, then you know that 50/50 sounds good on paper but NEVER works in real life. Brené Brown said it best. “What happens to 50/50 on the days when one of us barely has 20 percent to give?” Romance is swoon-worthy, and not just because of the spice scenes. People love romance novels because the characters show up for one another, ten toes down, when the other needs it. In Fate’s Calling, Selena does everything she can to make him feel supported on the anniversary of his father’s death. Likewise, he plays games or sits with her when she wakes up from a nightmare. In Love Notes (my other favorite Christina C Jones novel), the FMC is a support system for the MMC as he processes his feelings about not having a family, and he equally shows up for her when she has to confront the trauma from her past. These novels make it clear that real love shows the hell up and stays put through all ups and downs.
Reciprocity is not just for romantic relationships. It’s for all relationships. My favorite part of the Bromance Book Club series by Lyssa Kay Adams is how the men are there for one another, keeping each other accountable, while also being supportive and vulnerable together in a hilarious, masculine way.
Found family is just as powerful as natural family
I personally love books that feature a found family. My book, Fate’s Calling, includes a found family trope. The truth is, our family units cannot provide everything we need in our lives. The even harder truth is that many of us do not fit or are not receiving the type of love we deserve from our families. The main characters in Fourth Wing each found a wonderful group of people and formed beautiful families that are tight-knit, loving, loyal, and uplifting. They make each other better. Molly Harper’s Mystic Bayou series is one large web of found family as one by one misfits find a home in Mystic Bayou and form an ever-growing, yet loving community.
“Family over everything” is fast becoming an outdated sentiment for very good reasons. This isn’t me suggesting that everyone ditch their families. Instead, I am suggesting that you expand your heart and your circle to those who simultaneously light you up, push you to your full potential, and lovingly hold you accountable. Have enough truthful people in your life so you don’t have to poll Reddit to ask if you are the ass.
Closed Hearts Don’t Get Fed (Keep Your Heart Open)
Well, I hope you saw this coming. The whole point of romance novels is watching the hearts of two (or more) people expand and connect. At the core, romance novels illustrate what it looks like when a heart is closed and when it is open.
A closed heart stops energy flow. I’d bet that if you could see the energy around someone who is habitually abhorrent, you’d find trapped energy between their heart, throat, and solar plexus chakras and a dark shadow around their heart. However, while most people can’t see energy, every living thing can feel the impact of the energy and vibration people emit. There is a reason we all watch how babies and animals react around certain individuals. They are the most sensitive and attuned.
In most romance novels, the main characters, even the ones who are morally gray, might have guarded hearts, but few, if any, actually have closed hearts. Still, the novels will demonstrate how the decision never to love again started to erode the other aspects of the character’s life. Suddenly, they only have one friend, or they have a ton of friends but do not feel comfortable confiding in anyone. Or they stop having fun because that requires socializing and vulnerability. They either do not date at all or only have no-strings sex. They stop dreaming big and only strive for goals that are easy to obtain. You get the picture. The guarded heart slowly leeches out the vibrancy and vitality from them.
An open heart is a form of abundance. Conversely, a closed heart is a form of scarcity.
I feel like every enemies-to-lovers novel highlights this lesson. The FMC is closed off, and she can’t see that her enemy is really just some poor dude with a bruised ego who likes her. She’s driven to the point of being short-sighted, yet still struggling. He’s effortlessly thriving, which pisses her off. You know the deal. Frankly, most enemies-to-lovers novels should be under a new trope that I am calling she-hates-him-he’s-rolling-with-it.
I’m currently reading Not Safe For Work by Nisha J. Tuli, which is enemies-to-lovers. I’m not far enough yet to be certain, but I think both characters have guarded a heart, but she’s definitely the one who has blocked energy.
Side note: I do not believe that romantic love is the holy grail. Having an open heart does not mean you are automatically interested in a romantic partnership. Instead, it opens the door for other fulfilling relationships, such as found family and mentors, or even creative pursuits.
Get Over Yourself
The most salient lesson in romance is to get over yourself. Self-absorbed characters don’t stay in relationships long. The nice guy, who is subtly self-centered, can never be fully in a relationship with anyone who has a strong sense of self. The woman who is stuck in her own world and never considers others does not keep the love interest. Have you ever noticed that these two people never try to be together? They always want someone who is a giver.
The FMC in Flirting With Disaster by Naina Kumar certainly fits the description. She was so self-absorbed that she left her husband because she felt like she needed him too much when they were together. In her defense, I am oversimplifying a bit, and she did have depression, but that was the main reason she left him. She needed him too much and felt weak because of it. Then, when she recovered, she wanted to go full tilt with her career aspirations despite what he needed. For his part, he believed that pretending everything was fine all the time would magically fix everything. They both had to relax their egos, see life from the other person’s perspective, and decide how they wanted to move forward. The adage, “You can be right, or you can be happy,” is a bit cringey, but it is true that both parties need to let their guard down, look at the situation objectively, and make some hard internal decisions before they can even begin to compromise.
Happily Ever After is Real
Do not yell at me, cynics. I hear you. I get it. At some point in the distant past, I had that same reaction. But let me point out, the phrase is, “They lived happily ever after,” not perfectly ever after. And the use of live in the past tense denotes an overall state of being, not a constant state. Now, don’t you want to live an overall happy life, with or without a life partner? Contrary to belief, the happily ever after part does not make a story a fairy tale. The folklore and magical elements are what differentiate fairy tales from other stories. Therefore, romantasy and paranormal romance are closer to fairy tales than the other subgenres, depending on how closely they stick to folklore.
The reality is, writers are constantly playing with words and time. People love spicy scenes, but no one ever times how long it takes to read the page and think, “Crap, that sucks. They only lasted 2.35 minutes.” No. You assume that the moments detailed in the scene are equal to either a typical or a spectacularly long lovemaking session.
Likewise, living happily does not mean untested. It means they survived the test. It means they got married, had babies, went through trials, and still loved one another when they were old and gray.
The most famous play on time comes from the Bible in Genesis, which says that God made the world and all things in it, including people, in six days. The word days is clearly not a direct translation because dinosaurs roamed the Earth over sixty million years before humans. God was chilling for centuries, creating and destroying other planets and civilizations, while the dinos meandered around the planet. Yet no one takes offense to the gross underestimation of that horrible translation, but they have no problem dubbing “happily ever after” as overstated and inaccurate. Weird.
Side note: I always believed days was supposed to be age or something equally nebulous.
These are the ten lessons or themes that I recognize when I’m reading. I’m sure I missed a few. Let me know in the comments.
Cover Photo by Asad Photo Maldives: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-and-woman-standing-at-seashore-1024972/