Lonely Only

I am but one
One girl growing into a woman
On the verge of and in between
Just not quite anywhere
I’m almost…

Everybody needs somebody in this world
But I have trained myself to feel otherwise
The self-appointed Lonely Only
Only lonely because I’ve made myself that way
People underestimate what the mind can do
Single-handedly programmed myself into and out of love
Away from anything real
The code etched on the walls of my heart says do not feel, it will be used against you
Because it has, lord knows it has
So, I’m numb and angry
Angry because I am numb
And pissed because I’m confused
And this is who I am

Who I am is the girl-woman-child who would give you the world
But is just so damn afraid to
So, I give
And it comes with attitude born out of fear of neglect, rejection, and misunderstanding
And this is who I am

I’m not a stone, I just front well
And I’m a bitch because you’ll misuse me otherwise

The interesting part about living is how well you adapt and find ways of protecting yourself
You work with your hands and you’ll develop calluses
You get taken for granted and cast aside and you develop an attitude
A wall

I don’t think of myself as mean, but then again, I know my own heart
And maybe it has not been as bad as I think, but I know what I feel
I’m fragile and weak
Lonely and terrified
And this is…me
24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Naked or clothed
But you’ll never see it

That’s why I cry in the dark, buried under pillows and sheets
Silently releasing my anguish
And this is who I’ve become
Because of time and life
Painful lessons learned alone

The Lonely Only
Only lonely because I decided it is better to never give a shit
Then care
And get crushed

By Cece V

I wrote this poem in 2004. It’s insane how accurate and insightful it was. At 18, I’d realized I’d closed myself off because of all the bad stuff that had happened to me and with my family. It’s even crazier how well this demonstrates how quickly old defense mechanisms can resurface. Closing off is still my go-to move.

To all the people operating with a closed heart, I see you. I understand you. But I also know a closed heart won’t receive the love it truly deserves. Try to be brave. Open your heart again, and find some other way to protect yourself. Maybe get a doberman and a taser. Just kidding.

Photo by Dre Buzzworthy